Who needs toenails in Malaysia anyway?

It’s been nearly a week since I arrived in Malaysia. It is so radically different from everything I’ve ever known. Lonely Planet does not do justice to the sights, sounds and smells of this beautiful country.

Malaysia is a Muslim country comprised of three distinct groups – the Malays, Chinese and Indian. It is not uncommon to be on one street and see people in full coverings eating Roti and daal and then hop over to the next street and see hanging chickens.

The juxtaposition between traditional and modern is incredible. I was walking along a nearby street last night – it was dirty (the sewage systems are all above ground here) and bustling with people everywhere. Guess what music I heard playing from a nearby sari stall? “Heartless” by Kanye West! Kanye West in Malaysia! Believe it or not, Kanye West does not even make the billboard charts here. The hottest acts around are Taylor Swift, Celine Dion and the Bee Gees. Teenaged boys here proudly know the words to “Stayin’ Alive” and “My Heart Will Go On” - and they find every opportunity to show you.

I think I’ve adjusted fairly well to life out here. But there are some things that I’m certain will take years to figure out:

Driving
Think the streets of New York combined with the Don Valley Parkway…but twenty times worse! First off, they drive on the wrong side of the road. I keep getting into the car on the driver’s side by accident (like I would ever attempt to drive in this country…ha!). There’s traffic everywhere, all the time. Motorbikes seem to think the rules of the road don’t apply to them. No one signals. Everyone honks.

You’d think with so many cars, the parking system would be impeccable. But this is definitely not the case. There are no parking lots in Malaysia, which means that everyone parallel parks along the street, in the middle of the street…really, wherever they please. I have enough trouble parking in Toronto. There is absolutely no way I could navigate the streets of Malaysia – I’m not that crazy!

Time
I thought 21 years of experience with Khoja time would give me a leg up in this area. But nothing can quite prepare you for Malaysian time. If you’re supposed to meet someone at 6pm for a dinner date and by 8pm he still hasn’t shown up, fret not! He has not stood you up and he is by no means a jerk – he is simply Malaysian. I wonder if I can use this excuse for handing in late assignments at school…

Manglish
Malay is the official language of Malaysia however, English is widely spoken. And then there is a Manglish – a sort of hybrid that sometimes resembles Latin more than it does the other two. Every sentence ends with the word “laah”. “Don’t want, laah”. “Please, laah”. “It’s so hot, laah”. That’s my new found mission for Malaysia: figure out what “laah” means. Not a bad idea, eh?

The schools are influenced by the UK educational system so many of the words used are British. People ‘fetch us’ from workshops; we live in a ‘flat’, not a house; we don’t leave, we ‘depart’, students attend ‘uni’ (why use 10 letters when you can just use 3, right?) Sadly, no one speaks in a British accent…


Something pretty consequential happened yesterday. I may look back at this one day and see it as a defining point in my life. My big toenail fell off! It was an inevitable end to a basketball injury that happened last month. But really, who needs toenails in Malaysia anyway?!